11 Step Program for Those Thinking of Having Kids

11steps 11 Step Program for Those Thinking of Having KidsMaybe you’ve already read this?  Maybe not?  We figured in case you didn’t see it and needed a good laugh – we thought we’d share it with you.  A friend of mine sent this 11 step program to me today on Facebook.  Honestly, I don’t know who wrote it but it had me laughing out loud.  Sometimes that is all you can do as a parent! 

11 Step Program for Those Thinking of Having Kids

Lesson 1

1. Go to the grocery store.

2. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.

3. Go home.

4. Pick up the paper.

5. Read it for the last time.

Lesson 2

Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who already are parents and berate them about their…

1. Methods of discipline.

2. Lack of patience.

3. Appallingly low tolerance levels.

4. Allowing their children to run wild.

5. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child’s breastfeeding, sleep habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall behavior.

Enjoy it because it will be the last time in your life you will have all the answers.

Lesson 3

A really good way to discover how the nights might feel…

1. Get home from work and immediately begin walking around the living room from 5PM to 10PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly. (Eat cold food with one hand for dinner)

2. At 10PM, put the bag gently down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep.

3. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1AM.

4. Set the alarm for 3AM.

5. As you can’t get back to sleep, get up at 2AM and make a drink and watch an infomercial.

6. Go to bed at 2:45AM.

7. Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off.

8. Sing songs quietly in the dark until 4AM.

9. Get up. Make breakfast. Get ready for work and go to work (work hard and be productive)

Repeat steps 1-9 each night. Keep this up for 3-5 years. Look cheerful and together.

Lesson 4

Can you stand the mess children make? T o find out…

1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.

2. Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.

3. Stick your fingers in the flower bed.

4. Then rub them on the clean walls.

5. Take your favorite book, photo album, etc. Wreck it.

6. Spill milk on your new pillows. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?

Lesson 5

Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems.

1. Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh.

2. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang out.

Time allowed for this – all morning.

Lesson 6

Forget the BMW and buy a mini-van. And don’t think that you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don’t look like that.

1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment.

Leave it there.

2. Get a dime. Stick it in the CD player.

3. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Sprinkle cheerios all over the floor, then smash them with your foot.

4. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

Lesson 7

Go to the local grocery store. Take with you the closest thing you can find to a pre-school child. (A full-grown goat is an excellent choice). If you intend to have more than one child, then definitely take more than one goat. Buy your week’s groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

Lesson 8

1. Hollow out a melon.

2. Make a small hole in the side.

3. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.

4. Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.

5. Continue until half the Cheerios are gone.

6. Tip half into your lap. The other half, just throw up in the air.

You are now ready to feed a nine- month-old baby.

Lesson 9

Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street , Barney, Disney, the Teletubbies, and Pokemon. Watch nothing else on TV but PBS, the Disney channel or Noggin for at least five years. (I know, you’re thinking What’s ‘Noggin’?) Exactly the point.

Lesson 10

Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying ‘mommy’ repeatedly. (Important: no more than a four second delay between each ‘mommy'; occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required). Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years. You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

Lesson 11

Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt- sleeve, or elbow while playing the ‘mommy’ tape made from Lesson 10 above. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.

This is all very tongue in cheek; anyone who is parent will say ‘it’s all worth it!’ Share it with your friends, both those who do and don’t have kids. I guarantee they’ll get a chuckle out of it. Remember, a sense of humor is one of the most important things you’ll need when you become a parent!

What lesson would you add?

Comments

  1. Sean says

    LMAO @ Jon…yep miss goody two shoes, im sure the kids will end up in boarding school 0.0
    thanks for the advice mari ill be sure to submit your name for parent of the year.

    with love <3

  2. Grandma says

    At about age 2 to 5 they begin asking questions and following up your answer with “why?.” I don’t remember my kids doing this but I certainly got an earfull from my grands. And you’re right, Mari, kids are smart so be prepared to answer the why questions with real answers!!

  3. Kim Quinn says

    Add in scatter legos, assorted action figures, playdough, etc on the floor then walk through. Add in buy every talking toy and noise maker you can find, play repeatedly while driving for more than 2 hours.

  4. mari says

    This just annoyed me. What’s funny about kids having the run of the house? Why is it funny that most parents today are powerless and stupid? I don’t get it. Sorry. I just see these kids everywhere, that act exactly as described in the list, and I don’t understand it. I have children. They are not perfect, by any stretch, but they aren’t allowed to act like wild animals, either. What child doesn’t know better than to smear dirt all over the walls? What parent is stupid enough to give their kid a peanut butter sandwich and then leave them unsupervised long enough to smear the peanut butter and jelly all over the furniture? And really? If you can’t keep up with your kids while shopping, you really shouldn’t be a parent. You suffer from what I call stupid parenting, and it just bugs me.

    I think it bugs me because KIDS aren’t stupid, but so many parents treat them like they are. Kids are smart… very smart. Give your kids some credit. They understand a lot more than you think. Don’t let them grow up too fast, but don’t treat them like they can’t handle anything. They are capable of understanding things like keeping the house clean, keeping food in the kitchen/dining room and not all over the house, they can understand things like working with budgets, working for a living, eating healthy to be healthy, etc. Give your kids some credit. Their self esteem will not be crushed if you don’t let them smear dirt on the walls, I promise!

    The natural parenting issues, though, are hilarious.

    Breastfeeding every half hour was a huge issue for me, and wasn’t funny at all, at the time. Now I laugh when my friends are crying about it… does that make me a bad person? Probably, but they laughed at me, too! :)

    I love the comment made by Deanna! The leaky poop diapers are the worst! One of my 4 children had a particularly loose poopy diaper at my mother in law’s house. We were having a huge cousin party at the time, and there were 5 toddlers in diapers. She had trailed it all the way down the hall and into the living room and was climbing up onto the WHITE couch before we figured out which baby was dirty (in our defense, we were checking her last because she’d already had a good healthy poop that day and wasn’t one to go twice… we learned from that one, believe me!). YUCK!

    Another poop issue I wasn’t prepared for was the grainy-you’ll-never-be-able-to-wipe-it-off-poop! What the heck is that about??? My youngest recently went through a phase where every single poop she had, I had to bathe her to get her clean! DOUBLE YUCK!

    So that’s my sermon on the article. Kids are awesome. I have four of them and I love them to pieces.

  5. Nanna to Finn says

    As a Nanna I totally loved reading this, its great to have a sence of humour cause I assure after 35 years you will love that cuppa at the end of the day or a triple scotch!!

  6. fisch says

    take a can of peaches and 2 cups of milk. Put in blender and warm in microwave for 1 minute. Smear this on most of your clothing and spots on the carpet. This is what happens when you feed a baby.

  7. Deanna says

    One more thing to add don’t forget bout all the POOP yep when it seeps out of the diaper for about the 5th time in 3 hours and its all up their backs and down their leg and o yea on the floor on you and in their hair so thats almost 6 days of wardrobe and 600 gallons of bath water just for one day gotta love poopie days

  8. says

    Wow! That’s Awesome! My wife and I have a 4 year old baby girl and we totally
    got a kick out of. reading this article!! Thanks for the humor!
    Also folks, if you are not a parent and are reading this, this humorous depiction is totally true, and while being funny is also exceedingly sobering. Great piece!

  9. Karmin says

    Somewhere in the steps should be “have a party and everytime you go to the bathroom leave the door open. to practice for not having any more privacy. I laughed so hard almost peed my pants…oh another welcome thing with motherhood.

  10. gramma says

    before reading, be near a bathroom and a box of tissue because you’ll laugh so hard you’ll need the bathroom, and if you’re a grandparent you’ll need the tissue.

  11. says

    For the feeding part, I just wanted to add that one may want to have more than one option for the child to eat because children tend to be “picky”, and more food will end up on the floor or the wall if the child does not like what he/she is given. If the child has choices, he/she feels like they get to make the decision on what they are eating and mealtime goes much more smoothly.

  12. Angela says

    Under Lesson 4, Put a sucker in your mouth for 2 minutes, hide it behind the couch for a week. Then put the sucker in your mouth again. :-)

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