Dear Beyoncé,

beyonce Dear Beyoncé,Dear Beyoncé,

First of all, congratulations on your new baby girl! Everyone here at Baby Gizmo wishes you and your family much happiness.

Although, it’s kind of hard not to be happy when you have seven nannies, baby nurses, personal assistants, life coaches, make-up artists, nutritionists, personal trainers and don’t even get me started on your home gym, which is probably the size of my entire house.

You’re set, mama! No one has to see your loose baby belly skin or the bags under your eyes because you can hide out in your home gym while eating your fresh salmon and veggies then get some new (and probably not yet approved) under-eye make-up applied to the dark circles… if you have dark circles that is. You are Beyoncé after all.

But now we know why you kept that daddy from seeing his NICU twins and why your security detail covered hospital cameras and made a scene. You were just protecting your image. Rock on, girlfriend. I didn’t want anyone to see my post-baby belly, engorged and leaking boobs or dark circles, either. I guess if you have the means (and the money), use it! Right? What’s a couple million when you can just make that money back when you sell the first pictures of your happy little family to the cover of a “trash mag”? That is some smart thinking right there. Can I have the number to your financial planner?

Anyway, we truly do wish you the best with Blue Ivy (or is it Ivy Blue? We’ve heard the media has already tried to mess up that small detail). And we’ll see you in a month or two – all svelte and well-rested (or Photoshopped!) – on the cover of People or US Weekly or…

Best,

The Baby Gizmo Team

Comments

  1. Christina says

    That was a very truthful letter. And the kicker is that now rumors are flying she wasnt even pregnant to begin with…. It’s amazing how much america loves celebrities. I’m glad you wrote it. Thank you.

  2. Kristen M. says

    I know this letter is meant to be snarky (nailed it). I get that. At the same time I find this post disheartening following the “Dear Judgy Judgersons” post. I’m not sure where the Baby Gizmo team is going with this direction.

  3. Jessica H says

    What disrespect! Proud to show off how rude you are Im sure if she were standing in front of you it’d be a whole different story!

  4. says

    In regards to nailing the snark… Thanks, Kristen (and Christina).
    For the record, I adore Beyonce and even glorified her above. The spoof is the fact that no one really (nor will they ever) knows what went down. That’s what happens in CelebrityLand.

  5. rachel singleotn says

    I too – understand the sarcasm and snarky side to this blog – but I also find this – unnecessary and don’t quite “get” the direction of Baby Gizmo for publishing it. I find the usual friendly humour far more pleasant. I am sure there is more to the story of the NICU twins than the parents are leading us to believe and yes I am certain that Beyonce had her own security – but they have no “rights” over anyone in a public place. It’s another NONE story.

    Headlines:
    RICH & FAMOUS WOMAN HAS BABY – IN HOSPITAL. HUSBAND THERE.

    RICH & FAMOUS WOMAN NAMES BABY

    RICH & FAMOUS WOMAN STAYS IN HOSPITAL POST DELIVERY.

    RICH & FAMOUS WOMAN & BABY LEAVE HOSPITAL.

    end of.

  6. Jaclyn Landon says

    I think this has to do with the haves and haves not. Everyone pretty much has babies the same way. Should someone be allowed to come in and change the way an entire hospital floor runs just because they are a celebrity? Was the standard security really not enough? Who knows. It’s Done. People say leave them alone, when 2 days later dad (Jay-Z) releases a song. I think they ask for opinions like this. My guess is that this story resulted from a security guard that didn’t really know how to do his job. Something probably happened, it’s probably been blown out of proportion. We’re hazardous materials really being moved as some have reported was the reason? Doubtful. Maybe we should shift focus to sloppy hiring practices instead.

  7. emily says

    The NICU twin story is a rumor, not true! The hospital said so themselves! Very disrespectful and might may be think differently of baby gizmo.

  8. kathryn says

    I don’t understand why you would write such a stupid post as if you wished beyonce even knew who you or your company were. Get it through your thick EGO skulls.. BEYONCE does not read your minute web site and no one cares

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