It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year

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Warning: This article is part of “The Edge” series and may not appeal to those without a sense of humor or those who are completely opposed to any and all swear words. 🙂

No dammit, not Christmas. Halloween! Get out your scary masks, gooey eyeballs, and vampire bats because Halloween is where it’s at.  I love the tacky and deliciously dark decorations that adorn my house, as well as the homes of my fellow Halloween lovers. If I could, I’d greet you with a spider, a skull and some black tulle at my door every day of the year. There are no gift requirements, no family visit requirements (meaning no driving all over the state), and no big meal requirements where you get insulted for being single, not having kids, drinking too much, gaining weight, or any other life choice for which Aunt Ima needs an explanation. You get to pretend to be someone else and binge on a bag full of (your child’s) candy.  Sign me up and pass the wine.

However, there are some folks who just don’t get Halloween. Bless their hearts. They don’t understand the appeal of the dark, dead, disgusting, and sugar-infused debauchery of October 31^st.  I have outlined those who seem to be involved in the let’s-ruin-Halloween campaign.

The Offenders

Big Box Stores

I would love to be able to walk into Target to buy my loads of Halloween candy and some fake guts without having to look at a goddamn Christmas tree on October 16^th. Put the brakes on and let me enjoy my favorite holiday of the year without Rudolph and the fat man smiling at me in what should be the monsters, blood, and gore aisle.

Health Nuts

I realize you are making an effort to clean up our nation of processed food and prevent juvenile diabetes, but you have 364 other days of the year to ruin. Halloween is meant for binging followed by a sugar crash. It’s like, the rules. I don’t want a toothbrush or a box of stupid raisins. Yes, I’m eating that candy, too.  None of the Twix bars even make it back to my house. Please have some consideration for the parents who are stealing their children’s candy.

Trunk or Treat

Okay, it’s fine if you want to trunk or treat in addition to Halloween. BUT Trunk or Treat INSTEAD of going door-to-door and asking strangers for candy?  Bitch, please.

Pinterest Show Offs

I love all of your nifty crafts and stuff, but it’s killing my self-esteem. However, I do enjoy watching all of you try to out-do each other. I’m truly speaking from a place of jealousy. Please continue your hot glue gun and cupcake wars.

On this same note, thank god I have boys.  “Making” their costumes cost me 10 minutes and $30 at Amazon. Actually, my husband ordered their costumes, so it cost me zero minutes. I can take a picture of them and put in on Pinterest if you want.  “Making a costume in three easy clicks.”

Halloween Heretics

Stop trying to rename Halloween and stop putting Jesus flyers in my kid’s bag. We already know Jesus at my house (stop looking shocked). Don’t invite me to an “evangelical” haunted house or tell me I’m going to hell for celebrating Halloween.  If this is indeed a biblical offense, it’s way down on God’s list of things I’ve done wrong. I know there are historical origins around Halloween, but I can tell you now that I don’t care. ‘Merica. Where’s my solo cup filled with wine? Now let’s hit some houses. Save me all the Twix or you’re grounded.

The Pretenders

You know who you are.  You’re the ones who turn off your lights and pretend to be gone. You are party poopers. Don’t blame me if you get toilet paper in the big tree in your front yard. It won’t be me because I’ll be home with a buzz and sugar high.

TWIX.

Slutty Costume Moms

I’m not against some Halloween skin and debauchery at adult parties. In fact, I perfected the art of the slutty costume back in the day. However, if you’re taking junior out trick or treating, you might want to cover up those tits and put on some pants, ya slut. And Mrs. Olaf here? This is the dumbest f*ing costume I’ve ever seen. So, is Olaf a transvestite? Because I thought he was a dude. A slutty transvestite?  I’ll tell you who won’t be able to let this one go…your 30-year old son and his therapist.

In conclusion, Happy Halloween! If you happen to fall into one of these categories and are offended by this, I’m not sorry. I bring you good tidings of blood, guts, scary faces, barfing jack-o-lanterns, and of course, candy from total strangers.

TWIX.