We're moms. We love to shop. And sometimes we get suckered into buying ridiculous products. So we surveyed thousands of moms from around the country to find out what they thought were the most ridiculous baby products on the market right now. Caveat emptor!
#1 - Zaky Pillow
This is a set of fake hands that lays against your newborn to trick her into thinking that it's you. It's almost too creepy for words. And wrong. So very wrong. Even the description is creepy: "Leave a hand with your child!" We'd like to see the studies of these poor babies 10 years from now who found out their loving parents were really disembodied mummy hands.
#2 - The Baby Keeper
The Baby Keeper is a contraption that hangs your baby on the back of a public bathroom door so you are "free to go." The picture says it all. Convenient? Perhaps. Sanitary? No way. Trusting a single hook will hold my baby safely over the hard bathroom floor? Not a chance in hell.
#3 - WhyCry Baby Crying Analyzer
We'll let the manufacturer describe this one: "The WhyCry Baby Crying Analyzer is a new, innovative device that analyzes your baby's crying and can help you understand and identify why your baby is crying." This device is going to tell us why our baby is crying? And for only $65? Are they kidding? Plus, unless it makes our baby STOP crying, it's of no use to us.
#4 - Prenatal Educational Systems
A device you strap to your pregnant belly like an electronic fanny pack that plays a rhythm of sounds for an unborn baby that resembles a mother's heartbeat� but not quite. The rhythms are actually different and random. Let us get this straight: as the baby starts to distinguish the difference between the mother's heartbeat and the "fake" heartbeat - the learning begins. What? Surely, you jest. So, as the baby is growing and thriving in the womb listening to the mother's heartbeat, they want you to throw in an erratic heartbeat for an hour twice a day? Why would you ever do that? So the baby thinks mom has been in a car accident? We would never mess with our baby's brainwaves in utero and neither should you!
#5 - Silk Covered Diaper Bags
Sure they are beautiful in the store. But every single silk diaper bag that we have ever seen in use is frayed, stained, balled, faded and just plain hideous. Unless the silk is covered with plastic, a silk covered diaper bag is $150+ you will regret spending.
#6 - Fur Covered Diaper Changing Pad
We love designer diaper bags as much as we love designer purses. But some of them have gone where luxury does not belong: faux fur-covered changing pads "for baby's comfort." Um, do the manufacturers know what goes on down there? Do they know what you use a diaper changing pad for? To keep baby's butt off the germy public changing counter, but also to help contain the, shall we say, sloppy seconds and inevitable diaper explosions. Yes, they claim to be machine washable, but when? When we're in a public restroom? We either rinse it out in the dirty sink and carry it home wet, or should we fold the poo-stained pad up and shove it back in our lovely designer diaper bag and stink our way home? In our humble opinion, fur and poop do not mix. Pretty much ever. A vinyl-like, wipeable surface is the only thing that should cover a changing pad.
#7 - Stroller Baskets As Second Baby Seats
We're all about making double strollers as narrow as possible so store clerks can stop hating us, but this is ridiculous. You know you've seen them: the all-terrain stroller that looks like a totally normal single stroller for the first rider, but has an odd scooped-shaped seat underneath where you are supposed to place your second rider. Literally, the second kid gets tucked underneath where the basket usually is, with no view, no great air supply, and nothing to do but stick their little fingers in the wheel spokes spinning inches from their face. Yes, the manufacturers saw the error of their ways and now offer "finger guards" for the wheels, but that will hardly stop our 2-year-old from dragging their knuckles, playing "pick up the dirty cigarette" polo, and needing therapy years from now.
#8 - Bad Baby Videos
All videos are not created equal. We love good videos, and there are a couple to be had, don't get us wrong. But bad baby videos are just plain stupid. What makes a bad baby video? Bad production quality, bad music, cheesy 3D computer animation, and endless, lingering close-ups of toys and lava lamps. Toys are meant to be played with, not looked at onscreen. And don't get us started on the creepy, homemade sock puppets. Named after poop, no less.
#9 - Knee Pads
If you want your kid to get beat up on the playground later in life, be sure to remind their friends they needed knee pads to protect their knees when they were learning to crawl. Yes, little tender knees get a little scraped. But are rug burns on baby knees really a major problem in today's households? Unless you teach your kids to crawl across concrete, we don't think so. In any case, there's a simple solution that's been around for centuries: pants. Knee pads: necessity for rollerblading, ridiculous for babies.
#10 - Pee Pee Teepee
Yes, we've all been peed on by our baby boys once or twice, but a fabric cone to set over their wee wee just in case? How long is it taking to change that diaper, and how long is he exposed that you really need a cover? And, p.s., we've seen the stream of pee in action. It's a large, large, arc that can shoot halfway around the room. You're telling us that much force against a tiny fabric cone won't A) shoot the cone around the room with the pee, or B) reflect the pee back at the baby himself. Yeah, we're not buying it. Literally. We're not buying it.