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Helping Your Older Child Fall In Love with the New Baby
By Katie Beach
My sister is due to deliver her second child in the next couple of months and she recently asked me a simple, yet major question - how will her young son react to a new baby brother/sister? How do you create that eternal sibling bond and more importantly in the first few weeks, how do you keep the new big brother from resenting this little person that has suddenly taken control of the whole household? Having been through this twice (so far!), I had a few tips to offer her that I learned from my own Mother. She had 8 kids in relatively close succession and I can't remember ever resenting a new baby arriving in our house - in fact we were always excited by the idea of a new arrival! I by no means claim to know all, but it worked for my Mom and has worked for me thus far so here it goes.
Start Early!
Don't wait until the day you bring home your new bundle of joy to introduce your older child to the idea of a sibling. This is a big transition for your "big" kid. They haven't had to share your attention, not to mention your lap, until now and they aren't likely to give it up without some resistance. Help ease the transition by talking about the baby a good couple of months in advance of your due date. Explain that they will have a new baby in the house and what that means. If your older child is young, chances are she won't understand everything, but at least she won't be caught off guard.
Let's Play Pretend
A good resource to use would be your child's toy box. Playing pretend is an amazing tool that you should use when preparing your child for a new baby. And not to worry, many manly men will have to grudgingly admit to having played with a baby doll or two in their time and have not suffered for it. Be sure to play along with your older child and ask questions about what they are doing. "Oh no, the baby is crying, what should we do?" and "You have to hold the baby's head, right? You're such a good big sister!" will help your child feel confident in herself as well as clue her in on what will be happening when the real baby comes home.
Storytime
Before you're family has officially grown larger by one (or more) is your chance for a little extra bonding time so take advantage of it! Use your reading time to introduce your child to the idea of being a big sister/brother. When I was pregnant with our son I read I'm A Big Sister to my daughter as our nightly bedtime story. She loved talking about the baby and all the fun things that she would get to do as a big sister. We all had a wonderful laugh when she confidently told the nurses at the hospital that no, her baby brother could not have pizza because he was just a baby. Having read the book so often, she was empowered with her new found knowledge of babies and her new role as the big sister. She had a job to do, which made her feel even more special.
Nursery Mayhem
While it may be sorely tempting to send away for a babysitter as you get the nursery ready for another time around, think again. This is a big transition - if you are using the same bedding and furniture for the new baby as you had for your older child this might be particularly sensitive for your older child. Talk to your child about the transition in advance and then have them help with the work involved. No job is too small. Painting the walls? - throw down a tarp and hand your child a brush. Let your child arrange the toys on your rocking chair and put books on the shelves. Giving your child a sense of
ownership will make the changes easier and even exciting!
At the Hospital
This is the critical time you've been waiting for.
While you may have fairytale scenes of wonder planned out in your head, if you choose to have your older child meet his new brother/sister at the hospital be prepared. All the excitement surrounding the new baby will make most young children uneasy, not to mention seeing Mommy in a hospital bed (scary for children of all ages) smiling over a baby they've never met before. When your child comes in the room try to have your hands baby-free so that you can give your new "big" kid lots of love! This way they are confident that you're OK and of course still have tons of love for them!
Gifts Galore
While some may think of this as bribery, I like this tradition and wanted to share. The new baby will likely have loads of gifts in the first couple of weeks leaving your older child feeling a little left out. As a posed to having your older child give the new baby a gift, try having the new baby give a gift to your older child! While this doesn't make for instant friends (that come months later) it will make your older child feel special and happy that they too were remembered in all the "new baby" merriment.
Share the Baby
Yes, I do mean you. Mommies have to share too. While all you want to do is hold your new baby every waking moment - it doesn't matter how many times you've gone through it, a new baby is just so captivating - keep in mind that you have other duties as well. Take advantage of the fact that the baby is new and exciting right now and let your older child "help" you with holding and loving your new addition as much as possible. Make sure your older child knows that the baby is her baby too - not just yours. It may make some feeding times take longer (gently helping a toddler hold a newborn isn't exactly a quick, or even simple task) but it won't last forever and you'll reap the benefits in the months to come! Besides, your baby is only this small once. Take your time and enjoy!
Cuddles
Even if your child is taking this momentous change well, make sure to give her lots of extra Mommy Time! Tip - actually put the baby down in front of your older child. This will help reinforce the idea that your whole life isn't just wrapped up in the new baby - you still have plenty of time and love for your child who's been the light of your life for so long.
Take it Easy
Every child is different, so be sure to follow your child's signals to know if they need a break. If reading about the upcoming arrival every night is stressful, stop. And there's no need to make your child hold a new baby. Go with the flow and if your child is in a mood to play with the baby, then go for it! You're baby might be too young to learn the ABC's at 4 weeks old but your older child will remember singing them to her little baby brother for the rest of her life.
Putting it All Together
When all is said and done you'll love watching your children play together and yes, even get into trouble together. So keep a light heart and a happy attitude about you. By encouraging your older child to be involved with his new sibling you have set the building blocks for a friendship and love that will last a lifetime!
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