Kids Say the Funniest Things

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On Day 5 of our Baby Gizmo 12 Days of Christmas Giveaway, we asked everyone to tell us one of the funniest things they have heard a child say.

Wow! The responses were pretty darn funny! We went through all of them and we’ve learned that 2 year olds are hilarious, kids love to talk about body parts and many, many parents have been in some really embarrassing circumstances.

We rounded up the best of the best and here are our favorite:

1. My daughter told me she can’t have a play date with her friend Dylan. Why? “Mommy he is too handsome. I can’t handle him” – Kamila

2. When I was pregnant, my girlfriend’s 3 year old asked me why I “ate my baby”  – Sarah

3. My 5 year old was sliding head first down the stairs (on purpose) and I told her to stop (for fear she would start somersaulting) and she got up and turns to look at me w/ her hands on her hips and says “why mom, am I totally freaking you out or what?”  – Kathryn

4. My daughter recently had an accident in her pants and announced to me: “Mommy, I was running to the bathroom as fast as I could but the poo was faster than me!!” – Liga

5. At church (we sit in the 2nd row), my 3 year old niece said in a very loud voice, “AGAIN???” when the pastor asked us to stand for the 4th time in just a few minutes. Everyone behind us thought it was pretty hilarious. – Cyndie

6. I teach first grade. We were discussing holidays when I reminded the students that some people don’t celebrate Christmas, and was about to explain when one of my boys yelled out, “They celebrate Harmonica!” I guess that IS pretty close to “Hanukkah.”  – Jan

7. When I dyed my hair red for the first time, my 6 year old niece said “I like your orange hair.” Gotta love children’s honesty!  – Lisa

8. “Mommy, are you having another baby because you have a fat belly!” It was that day that we told him that we were expecting his little sister. – Andrea

9. Niece: What do boobs look like on the inside? Like boobs that size (pointing to my boobs)?
   Me: Probably fat since that’s mostly what they are made of.
   Niece: They’re fat?! That’s why boobs are so jiggly! I can’t wait until I have boobs! – Sarah R.

10. When my oldest was 3 or so he announced to the daycare that he couldn’t sleep at night because of all the noises coming from our bedroom. The daycare employees thought it was pretty funny. At supper that night, my hubby asked him what kind of noises they were. He matter of factly stated “snoring”. – Heather

11. While on a road trip [years ago], my daughter insisted that her bottle of water tasted funny…I asked if it was a new bottle, she said yes. So I told her she didn’t have to drink it, if she didn’t want to. About 20 minutes later I hear her exclaim from the back seat, “OOOOOH…THAT’S WHY! It says Spring water but it’s Summer!” – Rachelle

12. The funniest thing I’ve heard so far is yesterday when I was telling my son that he might be having another brother instead of a sister, he said to me “God wouldn’t do that because he knows you don’t want another one of those” as he pointed to his younger brother. – Heidi

13. This past summer while my 3 year old was waiting for the arrival of her first cousin she constantly asked if her baby cousin was born yet. One day she asked if her baby cousin was still in her aunt’s belly or still cooking, when I replied that the baby was still cooking she came back with “well they better not keep her in too long or she’ll be overcooked”. – Katie. B.

14. Well … it wasn’t funny at the time, but my daughter and I were riding on the bus and a gentleman sat down in front of us. Never one to QUIETLY ask questions, my 4-year-old (at the time) said, “MOM! WHY does that man have a circle of skin in the middle of his hair?” – Julie

15. My little cousin pointing at my pregnant belly and asked “Did you eat all the turkey?” I told him it’s not a turkey inside, it’s a baby inside. Then he asked, “Why you eat the baby?” – Sally H.

16. My oldest son once asked (when he was about 4) why the lady had such big mustaches on her face, he was referring to her eyebrows….he thought all strips of hair were mustaches  Cute, yet embarrassing at the time! – Raine

17. “Mommy, you don’t have a penis. You have a hairy butt.” – Nadine

18. “Mommy, Daddy has square boobies” – Mandy

19. My older son, now 9, when we first went to Disney, we went because it was his birthday. When we where back home he says “mom, now that we own Disney, can we fire Eeyore, he is always so sad and he’s gonna make my friends sad” when I asked him why he thought we own Disney he said: “didn’t you hear?, everybody knows my name, only if you are the owner they should know their name, I’m the new boss” His name was on a birthday button he was wearing. – Xiomara

20. I knew a little boy who loved dump trucks…his way of saying dump truck was “dumb f$#k”. No matter how many times everyone tried to correct him, he just couldn’t get it right. Eventually, he grew out of it. I couldn’t help but laugh…only because he was so innocent. My little one is not talking yet but I am sure many funny comments are in his future  – Veronica

21. My two year old yelled at this dad in the middle of church, “no way, old man!” everyone around us laughed – Jenette

22. My son calls his boyhood his “pirate”.  – Lilia

23. A friend’s son calls his boy parts his “bonus”. — hahaha – Brandy

24. My niece was watching Dancing with the Stars with me and said “If that man says not nice things again, he will have to go into time out!!!!” I was cracking up!!! She was referring to Len Goodman, one of the judges! – Sara

25. In the bathroom at the mall I heard a little girl ask her mom if she could have ribbons on her undies like mommy. – Erin

26. The funniest thing I heard, was my nephew who, when his mom was pregnant, was walking hand and hand with me and patted my tummy and said “your a girl… so there is a baby in your tummy”. His mom explained that that is how she told him she was pregnant. So I asked what was in his uncle’s tummy… he replied “pizza”….love the innocence of childhood! – Shalon

27. My daughter really wants us to have another baby, so she constantly has babies on the brain. One day we were talking about it, and she was saying how much she wants a baby sister. I told her that we don’t have control over whether we get a boy or a girl. She looks at me and says, “So, is it God or Santa that decides?” – Jessica

28. My niece loves DORA. So one day I was babysitting her, and we were done eating dinner so I gave her a cookie for dessert. I guess I forgot to put the bag of cookies up, so I turned my back & my niece had disappeared & so had the cookies. So I’m looking for her, and shes under the table, munching on the cookies and I tell her, give me those cookies and she yells, with her hand reaching out saying, “Swiper, no swiping! Swiper, no swiping!!!” I just thought it was the funniest things ever. (She’s only 2) – Karina

28. At dinner the other day my husband finished his soup really fast. My 4 year old son asked him why he wasn’t eating and my husband showed him the empty bowl. My son says, “That’s impressive, Daddy!” – llana

30. My then 3 year old daughter was in bed with us one night. I guess she was feeling crowded, because she said, “Too many people in this bed. Daddy, you sleep on the floor!” – Debra

31. “Mom, You are the peanut butter and we are yous jellys. <3″ – Katy

32. My 3 year old on the difference between the sexes: “Mommy doesn’t have a penis, Mommy has a brain!” – Amber

33. I look after kids for a living. At the time I had 3 in diapers, 2 boys and one girl. The boys were about 18 months and the girl was just a year. I was changing the girl first and the boys were leaning over my shoulder watching (I was changing her on the floor) The one boy who was very chatty said, with such surprise and horror ‘OH NO DANA’S PENIS FELL OFF’ the other little guy’s eyes nearly fell out of his head as he started searching on the floor in the corners as if he was thinking it must have rolled away. – Michaela

34. While my sister was changing our nephews diaper, our niece pointed out “my dad has a tail like that!” – Emily

35. My nephew called for his grandma (my MIL) to come outside to see the boobies. She told him to shush & not to say that again. He’s only 2 years old. He kept begging her & pulling on her arm, so she finally relented. When they got outside he ran to a BLUEBERRY bush & said “See? Boobies!!” – Megan

36. I overheard a little boy asking why Santa can’t take his baby brother to be an elf helper because he doesn’t help enough at home – Katie

37. Funniest thing… There are so many! One was when my 6yr. old boy was just disgusted when he saw his dad’s armpit hair. “WHAT is that Stuff under Dad’s arm??” – Celeste

38. As my 3 year old nephew was heading outside, Nana asked him where he was going. He replies, “Going crazy Nana.” Hehe…I wonder what he hears often. Funny kid! – Christina

39. I asked a three year old if he was happy with his baby brother ans he responded  “No I want mommy to take him back to the hospital, he doesn’t stop crying” lol – Claudia

40. When I tell my 3 year-old daughter to clean up her toys, she says “Mom, you better go ahead and do it. I don’t know anyone who cleans up toys as good as you can.” – Angelynn

41. My then 3 year told a dinner guest, who was not eating her green beans, “Your poop is gonna be hard to get out if you don’t eat your green beans! I always eat my green goods and my poops don’t hurt me anymore!”. Oh dear – Amber

42. I was going to the bathroom when my 2 yr old son said “mommy, you don’t have a penis?” I replied “no” and he said “it’s ok, we can go to the store and buy you one.”- Crystal

43. My son was at the doctor’s office for a check-up when he was about three. While the doctor was talking to me, he looked down at his chest and said “I have boobs.” Both of us tried to just pretend he hadn’t said that. Then he said “I’m going to touch my boobs” and then reached down and grabbed his nipples. it was so hard not to laugh. – Lenora

44. Our 3 year old Wanted to know if we had to decided if our 5 month old was going to be a boy or a girl. – Selena

45. My 5 year old IDENTICAL twins boys had us rolling in tears of laughter a few weeks back when they were arguing (passionately, I might add) over who was “more handsomer” than who- Lol! – Heather

46. Funniest thing I heard a kid say was my friend’s daughter. They were at a grocery store when she started to repeatedly say “cock. cock, cock.” My friend was so embarrassed she didn’t understand where her daughter learned to say that. The older daughter then corrected her younger sister by saying “No, it’s cock-a-doodle-do, that’s what a rooster says.” She was relieved to know her daughter was talking about animal noises lol. – Andreana

47. I think the funniest thing I’ve heard a kid say was when I told my son (then 4) that he needed to go brush his teeth, he said he needed to get a “bottle of Jack.” Too much Ke$ha! – Bernadette

48. I constantly have to reprimand my daughter for the amount of toilet paper she uses. I told her, “you don’t need a lot you have a little butt.” Her reply, “You must use a real lot for your big butt!” Well if you want an honest opinion ask a child! – Erin

49. I drew a pic of my mom for my kids and my 5 year old told me I did it wrong because her face is supposed to be crumpled up (wrinkled). – Melody

50. When I was pregnant with my first I taught pre-k and one of my students ( a little boy) said there are two ways you can have a baby through your tummy or out your wiener. IT was so funny, I had to explain girls don’t have wieners. – Cheryl

51. The other day, my husband accidentally knocked over a huge Lego “tower” that the kids had made. Our 2 year old sarcastically told him, “Way to go, Bro.” – Kira

52. After fighting with her car seat for several minutes my 2 and a half year old niece tells me “this is why Mom doesn’t let you pick us up more often!” – Trish

53. We were going up the elevator and the feeling made our stomachs drop, my 2 yr old exclaimed loudly, “that tickled my penis”. The elevator was full of nurses and drs who just died laughing. – Heidi

54. When my oldest daughter was 8 or 9 and on a McDonald’s kick, we told her if she ate too many times at McDonald’s, she would puke. Her response was “If I’m puking McDonald’s, I’m puking happiness.” Thankfully we were able to get that McDonald’s addiction stopped pretty quickly! – Danelle

55. We are expecting our third child and when we told our oldest our four year old son, that we were going to have another girl, he told us that we broke his heart. – Katey

56. My daughter will say, “are you eyeballing me?” – Erin

57. My 1st grader was learning about reptiles, mammals and amphibians at school. At the dinner table he blurts out “Uncle Dan and Chuck are reptiles.” I asked him why he would say something like that and he says “We learned today that reptiles have no hair!”. LOL….this is now the story everyone in our family shares! – Laura

58. “Mommy, is porn a weal word?” (as she is coming up with words to rhyme with Corn)…. – Jean

59. My brother in the aquarium bathroom screaming to my mom “Why do you pee out of your butt?” – Tiffany

60. The other day, my son who is 3 while looking at a Christmas tree said, “I love blue balls.” – Jamie

61. My 3 year old said last week after I told him he can’t play angry birds game all day;) ” mommy why are you so mean?!!! You should take a nap” totally serious voice he meant it. – Margo

62. “There is something wrong with my penis, it keeps getting bigger and I just don’t think it will stop” – a 3 year old – Sarah

63. My 4 year old niece was grumpy today and I kept checking in with her to see how she was doing. After a few questions I offered to treat her somewhere fun and she said no, that she’ll probably still be grumpy later. – Stephanie

64. My brother once told me “I peed in my cars”  That is never going away. WOW. And then I was afraid of his cars. ewww – Jennifer

65. A conversation with my 3 year old:

“Where does Daddy go every day?” “Work.”

“Who am I?” “Angie.”

“What are you supposed to call me?” “Mom.”

“What does Mommy call Daddy?”

….. “Stupid.”

Now I swear, I have NEVER called my husband stupid. Ever. The answer I was looking for was “honey.” Thankfully, hubby thought it was absolutely hysterical, and we were all laughing with tears rolling down our faces. – Angie

66. When I was pregnant with our third baby, our two oldest children were playing ‘pirates’ one morning. When I happened to walk past their ship, they both jumped up pointing at me and yelled, oh no! There’s the giant whale! I was horrified at the time, but I can laugh at it now  – Kevyn

67. My four year likes to go in the bathroom when daddy’s in the shower daddy leaves his underwear on the sink and usually the little one accidentally gets it wet if he washes his hand. Hubby jumped on an important phone call after showering and putting on the “wet” underwear my four year than proceeds to say very loudly “daddy you peed on yourself” hubs was so embarrassed he was on the phone with a client that’ll teach him to take an important call around the kids lol – Betty

68. Oh gosh, I have 4 little boys and some of the things they say are just hilarious! One of my favorites was when I was pregnant with my youngest and we found out it was another boy my 2 oldest had wanted a sister. We were talking and my then 6yr old asked why we didn’t make a girl and I said it wasn’t up to us, it was up to God. He then said “well maybe God will change his mind and make his weenie fall off before he’s born” He was so serious, it was soo funny – Beth

Has your child said something that could top the list? Leave us a comment and tell us! 🙂